Assult at the core.

Today started out like any other weekend. Got up late since I am usually up at 0530,
brushed my teeth, shaved my grape. Planned on going out to get my pops a card for Fathers Day.
Hugged him, told him happy f-day and I loved him, hopped in my rental due to my baby being in
the shop and proceeded with my day. All of a sudden it hit me, a feeling that has been nagging
me for the past weeks, months, hell I don't know. All I do know is that the chaos that used to
surround me but never used to touch my inner being and soul suddenly felt way too close to be
good for me. Perhaps it was part of the accident I was in? No, it had begun way before that for
me and the state my soul had entered. I had been feeling as though things were not quite right
with the world, my job had not held the same satisfaction that it has for a while, the city and
county that I live in has not held the same appeal it has over my entire life. The idea that I
could not stand to leave Los Angeles the home I have known, loved and that had become a part of
my inner being was no longer the place I felt I belonged. People I have known for years and that
had their own issues but I had given the benefit of the doubt to because I thought they were worth
it have had their true colors pop into view in full clarity for me, these few people of whom I
speak about I have to expel from my life because they are leeches. They have leeched my soul and
spirit as well of a few of those around me, one person in particular showed how much of a shallow
and false person she could really be towards my best friend and myself. To her I say, good riddance.
The people I call true friends I can count on one hand since I have known that I can trust them with
anything and everything I am and that they can trust me with the same. I have come to feel that
people who have said that they are accepting and approve of the culture and genre's and lifestyles
I am into, tattoo's, piercings, industrial, punk rock, taoism, and my own unique style of
spirituality have only said what I as well as most of the rest of the people who are into
lifestyles that are "outside of the norm" only want to fucking hear. I find for the most part
and this view is not just shared by myself "just go ask anyone within any of these cultures"
that people like us are for the most part tolerated. If people within these genres were "accepted
and approved of" wouldn't there be more businesses, venues, and general places of interest that
catered to us? Look around and see the truth, there aren't and until people stop judging things
and people that aren't of the same cookie cutter mold that they belong to and follow like mindless
robots or rather I should say more to the point naive, dumb little sheep, there never will be.
People who are outside of the soccer mom, 9:00-5:00 working, listening to pop and hip hop or
worse yet, country music loving, and lastly, keeping up with the Jones's drones, will always be
considered that, "outsiders". Is this a bad thing? Fuck no! It shows true character to think outside
of the box, and to live outside of the box. It shows a person's strength and a person's individuality.
It also goes to show that even though we may not always agree with the rest of the herd, most of
the people considered by the rest of the mainstream to be in some way different or not quite as
cool as the rest of them try not to judge, since we already know what that is like. Mind you no one
is perfect, and fuck yes, I have judged people before only when I have been pushed to the point of
doing so. Thus I come to the point of this rant. I guess I have overlooked my inner being, spirit
and soul for a while and have not taken proper care of them like I used to. I used to meditate all
of the time, and used to feel at peace with the forces that drove me. For those of you that have
known me for a long period of time, you remember I have always had this saying that stuck to me and
defined me rather well. "Walking between the darkness, and the light." These two distinct sides of
the same coin drove me, motivated me, inspired me, protected me from the chaos that always surrounds
every being that walks this speck of dust we call our home. I was at peace with these two forces and
always nurtured them. I don't know when exactly all of this happened, but somehow I let outside influences
invade my personal space and attack my inner spirit. I believe it was because I let all of the petty
bullshit of others and issues that did not directly pertain to me come into my life. I lost track
of what was important. When I began to realize this, through an observance of a very close friend
of mine when she told me "You don't seem to be taking any time for yourself to meditate, or take
time out for yourself like you used to do all of the time" when she noticed how wound up I would
get very easily, but I dismissed it due to I was taking care of things that needed to be taken care of.
Mind you, some of these fucking things had little to do with me and more to do with other fucking
leeches that asked me to help them, some of this drained me emotionally to the point where I had to
cut these things and people loose, or it would have dragged me down to a point where I would have had
a long difficult climb to get back to the point of the inner me. As I have begun to come to these
conclusions, I have been making some realizations about myself and about other people and things I
used to believe so strongly in and put my faith into. Alot of the things that seemed soooo fucking
important are of no consequence to me anymore, yet some other things that I used to steer clear of
due to other beliefs of mine I have found are most important to me and I have begun to treasure with
every ounce of my being. I am once again getting back to my inner self with an intense fury that had
once fueled Tony-core and will alway continue to fuel for the rest of my existence. To my friends,
my family and most of all the love of my life, I am yours and will always remain and faithful.

Peace fuckers,